Dining Out 101

I’m sure you’re eager to know the gruesome details I’ve accumulated through my work but a little education is necessary first.

I shall start with everything you’re doing wrong as a guest in our establishments.

Don’t ask for a booth…

when you walk in on a busy Friday night without a reservation be happy you get a table at all. When you’re sat at a less desirable table you’re NOT being treated badly. There’s a rotation of tables to keep it fair, sit down and shut up.

If you ask for a table that is dirty don’t sit down and wait for us to clean around you. Go back to the host stand and wait.

Don’t sit for hours after your meal unless you plan on compensating us. We’re losing money as long as you sit there.

Don’t ask for bread/crackers/popcorn etc…

as soon as the server approaches the table. I’m a human being and I just said hello to you, basic manners still apply. I’m here to provide a service, I am NOT your servant. Bread’s apart of the service, it will come.

Don’t keep me waiting…

standing at the table for 5 minutes until you decide you actually do need more time to decide on which salad dressing you’d like. That’s 20 things I wasn’t able to do.

Don’t tell us, show us…

that you appreciated our work to make your experience enjoyable. A genuine smile and a thank you doesn’t pay the bills.

For those of you equipped with that black AMEX, although we may never own one we for damn sure what it does, so when you leave us 15% you’re full of shit.

Furthermore, we have to tip too…most often 2% of ours sales to our bussers, 1% to our bartenders and 1% to our food runners. When you don’t tip us we’re losing money.

Don’t go out to eat if…

you can’t afford the tip, your children can’t behave, you’re fighting with your companion, you only order salad and water, you can’t show us some human decency.

Don’t be selfish…

if you see me running around the restaurant and it’s been almost a minute since you asked for your fourth refill of diet coke, no ice and a twist of lemon, rest assured I’m busy and I will bring it to you as soon as I can.

Under no circumstances are you to snap your fingers, hail me with a wave, whistle or otherwise attempt to get my attention except in serious circumstances.

It’s not our fault…

if the food isn’t to your liking, if the wait is really long, if it’s loud, hot, cold or the music is insufferable.

Don’t be picky…

if your drink isn’t filled to the top. They’re measured to the amount legally servable. If you want it full it won’t be with liquor.

DO sing our praises…

If your experience is worthy of the praise then by all means gush to our managers. Not enough of you appreciate the work and detail we put in both on stage and behind the scenes.

Be nice to us, treat us like sentient emotional beings and we may let you out unscathed.